I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
