She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
