Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
