Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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