I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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