Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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