I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
