Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
