I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
