my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
