I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We left an ass print on the piano.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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