i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
