did you get engaged???
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
