i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
