My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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