I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
