you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
