Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
