fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
