I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
