I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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