Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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