im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
