Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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