I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
