your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
