I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
