One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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