I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize