I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
