I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
