can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
