i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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