I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
