You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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