My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
two words...techno handjob
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
