Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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