im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
