Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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