there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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