Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
