The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
