Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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