Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
