Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
