so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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