As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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