i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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