I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
