take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
