I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
