I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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