He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
