When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
In other news, I just burned my penis
i now understand why vodka
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
