Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
