evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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