Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
