i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
