i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
