i wish my penis had a tongue
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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