You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
