I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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