my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
