I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
