i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
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