Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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