Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
